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Sunday, May 13, 2012

I did it again...damnit!

Mother's Day. I sort of dread the day. Every year I feel placated. Almost as though everyone tries to spoil you one day a year to make up for the other 364 days you sacrifice over and over. Instead of  feeling like I was "made much of", I feel like the world has boxed me up into a Hallmark card and made little of me.

Last week I had a yoga instructor say to the class, "No one is ever happy by focusing on themselves." Honestly I was a little surprised. Isn't the classic yoga trend to become more at one with yourself? Focus inside? [I usually ignore it.] But this time I liked my teacher's take on the world. And maybe that is really why I cringe on Mother's Day, cause I spend all day thinking about myself...

Today I woke up. And instead of going about my normal routine, this time I was thinking, "Why am I making the coffee this morning? Now I am doing the dishes from last night and starting breakfast. Oh, you want your new toy opened? Well I want [insert the long list of what I want]...." My inner monologue was just plain ugly.

What gets me the most is: I fall for it every year! Like the Cover Girl slogan "Because you are worth it", I buy into the lie that it is about me, that I need to take care of myself, that I am used and abused and unappreciated. And I leave the day feeling...victimized.

But here is what God had to say to me this morning:
"He who fashioned the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds." Ps 33:15
He sees me. Like Hagar I struggle a lot with "being seen." I feel invisible most of the time. I wonder if God has forgotten me. If He notices me. Yes...he does. Even when no one else does. And honestly, with a bunch of kids almost smack in the middle of the toddler years, I think it is safe to say my kids don't really notice a whole lot of what I do. Well...until I don't do it and then insert the fussy, "Mooommmy!"

But God sees.

God then dished out a piece of my own advise:
"I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me." Ps. 13:6
Here is His response to me feeling like the victim: I have dealt bountifully with you. This is my same response to my daughter when she is particularly negative...I ask her to tell me 5 things she is thankful for or glad in. God turned it in my face. Sometimes I think He glories in the irony. In fact, I am sure he does. Almost as if to say, "Yes, Alyssa, your life is SO hard! You have an amazing, supportive, Christ loving husband who pursues your heart. You have three beautiful, HEALTHY, fun, imaginative, smart, silly kids. You have a dysfunctional puppy that lives to make you happy. A great house. A wonderful church. Financial blessings that let you stay home, home school your kids, eat out on occasion, rock climb, have a gym membership, get new cloths, live in Utah, ski, camp, and bless others financially. In the last two days you have camped, hiked, enjoyed a s'more, gotten your hair cut, had a pedicure, watched Avengers, and gone out for pizza. Yes, a hard life." This is where I imagine he flashes that crooked, silly grin that my husband often shines at me when I am being ridiculous.

So, while I started this Mother's Day in an ugly place, I am ending it "acting like a princess," as I tell my daughter when her attitude has changed for the good. And I owe this all to my great God, who gently corrected my warped mind and led me down the better path.