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Friday, January 6, 2012

A Stirring... (Part 1)

A stirring...pot of soup? What is "Stirring" you might ask? Well, this is the most accurate way I have come up with to describe my Faithwalkers experience this year. A stirring. God with the ladle. Me the pot. Stirring- my heart, my emotions [ I always leave a little raw], my love for the people I am around, my dreams, my motivations, my "I wants" crying out from inside.

The first night Pat Sokoll asked us, "What is it you really want?"  I jotted down the question to ponder later..not when I was trying to keep my baby quiet and content on her blanket, not when my three year old was beginning to melt down from exhaustion, not when my 5 year old was telling me in a whisper all about how much she loves her friend Lindy. But later. The trick is actually returning to the tid bits I jot down.  But I did.
Here is what I wrote: "I want most to live a life that is purposeful and worth living. I want to change the world and be changed [by God].  I want to shine."

Ah. It sounds so beautiful at first doesn't it?  Maybe even poetic.

Well, the conference wore on and tid bits grew on the margins of my notepad:
You cannot take anything to the next life, not even all you accomplish for God.  You can only take your relationship with Him. 

I need Jesus every moment.

If I had it "all together" what would that look like?

Where am I spending my resources? my time, beauty, energy, money?

I came back to the tid bits. I was challenged by them. And slowly they congealed into a whisper from God.

You are using Me.

Yikes! But it wasn't harsh or angry, but quiet, accepting, and all the more convicting for that. I have been using God.
Now this wasn't something I was knowingly doing... our sinful motivations rarely are. [One summer God had to get my attention by being a little more direct and call me a prostitute.] And yet it was true.  I wanted to live a "big" life.  I wanted to change the world and knew the only one with the power and know how to do it was God. He became a means to an end instead of a personal God who wants me to know Him and Him to know me.

So what did I take away?  The same thing I took away from a Christian camp back in 1995 where I first prayed to have Jesus in my heart: that I need to have a RELATIONSHIP with God that is personal and real. It is the same thing I learned my freshman year of college and every year since.  And I guess I will never stop needing to KNOW it. And that is fine by me.

"May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ." Galatians 6:14

1 comment:

  1. I read Compassion International's blog, and Wess Stafford (president of Compassion) wrote a post recently about this same concept- that God doesn't need his accomplishments, he just needs his love. I've been thinking about that a lot because the fact that it surprised me to hear that from such an accomplished guy only emphasizes the fact that I really don't get it. So I've been praying to love God more and just trying to make that my goal and it's cool to hear that you're kind of on the same page. You can read Wess' post here if you're interested: and part two