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Monday, January 9, 2012

A Stirring...(part 2, broken by prayer)

Some of us have deep wounds. Some wounds come from things we did or things done to us. Chances are you can think of yours fast...and hide it even faster. Some wounds are from the years we walked without God. But what happens when they are from the years you walked with Him? What happens when they dog you and trip you and grab on for a ride and no matter how many times you try - they won't let go?

I pride myself on some weird things. [The whole idea of "priding yourself' is probably flawed anyways.] But here is a secret- I've always prided myself on assessing hurts in my life, taking them to God and having Him heal them.  Funny how I can some how talk myself into taking the credit for Him healing my life...  I'll have to think on that more. But on we go.

One of my deepest wounds of the last 10 years? Prayer. Of the unanswered type. Not only this, it has tormented my faith for a LONG time. See nearly 10 years ago a team came down to Boulder Colorado to start a church.  And God grabbed hold of my life and my heart and I jumped in with both feet.  God did a lot of awesome things. [I feel like I am short siding it by stating it like this.] He really did.  But after four years the pastors in Fort Collins asked us to move back and essentially pulled the church plant.  Now there is a lot here that I am not going to go into.  A lot of hows and why and things gone wrong. A lot of pain. A lot of dreams and mostly a lot of prayers. But the long of the short of it is - I no longer knew how to trust God beyond the small daily things I could pray for. In fact, the mere mention of it would send me into tears and visions of a small brown room in Estes Park with Brandon and Tom standing before a group of heart broken leaders.

So... of course there was a teaching on prayer.  And not just prayer.  Big prayers.  And of course...the speaker was Brandon.  How could it not be?  God wanted to heal this hurt.  And if you know Brandon at all, then you know he is going to teach on prayer. Questions spinned in my head: What did we do wrong? Did we do anything wrong? Did I?  Was I not abiding?  And if I wasn't, how can I know? Cause I was clueless. Is God faithful?  Is he good? Can I ask Him for anything that big again?

Emotions were clouding my eyes. And my thinking. But Brandon was nice enough to sit for a chat during dinner.  I cannot give you all the answers to my questions. I cannot show you the anecdote to my pain. But I do know by the end of that conversation I felt freed in ways I had never felt before. Somehow God, through his spirit and community, released me.

I know now that one day God will ask me to trust Him for something that big again. And I know it will still scare me. And all the hurt may come back for a moment. But I will not be ruled by it anymore. I guess I think hard things happen, they change who you are and how you react, but they don't have to control you. There is healing in God's wings - just as he promises. Even if it takes 10 or so years to find it.
"Give us aid against the enemy, for the help of man is worthless. With God we will gain the victory." 
Psalm 60:11-12a

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